Why listening is overrated (and what you should do instead)
I’ve been working in the field of public engagement for close to two decades, and I’ve learned a lot over the years. Here’s a secret lesson I want to share with you. Of all the skills I’ve honed, and trained others to cultivate, the one that’s highly overrated is the act of listening. Don’t get me wrong; it’s important for people to feel that someone is listening to them. It’s just that in many circumstances, it’s not necessary. Finding ways to get on with the situation at hand without listening is much easier and faster.
Why listening is overrated:
People often think they know what they are talking about but really don’t
I’m sure you’ve been there. You’re in a work meeting or at a social gathering, and someone starts to spout off about a topic you know all about. Maybe it’s Rick in accounting who is adamant that he will refuse to give up working from home post-pandemic or Mary from down the street who’s upset that the city is no longer plowing the snow from sidewalks, leaving it up to homeowners.
Sure, they want to talk about the whys and wherefores, and that’s ok to a point. But you know the gist of their story. Instead of listening until they’ve exhausted their thoughts, they will benefit way more if you jump in to share what you know about the subject at hand and what you think they should do about it.
Pro tip: Instead of looking into someone’s eyes while they are talking, focus on their mouths. When you see them inhale, that is your opportunity to jump in with your take before they can go on. This avoids interrupting (which can seem rude) while making a smooth transition to setting them straight.
Listening during difficult conversations can lead to high emotion
Sometimes when you give people a platform for their complicated feelings, they get heated (or worse, start to cry!), and rational thought flies out the window. It’s also very uncomfortable for everyone involved. And it’s not just about the speaker! Sometimes they say something that makes you want to punch a hole in the wall or curl up sob-listening to R.E.M’s Everybody Hurts. How can you problem-solve under those conditions? You can’t. Bottom line—if you sense emotions are on the way, it’s time to cut things short.
Pro tip: If emotions run high in a workplace or public context, tell the emotional person (respectfully) that they are reacting unprofessionally and that the conversation should wait for another time. If it’s a subject that the two of you will never align on, suggest you agree to disagree. That always puts a quick end to listening AND talking.
Most times, you can fake it with the same results
Like many of you, I’m a busy person. I don’t have much time to listen—especially in large public engagement projects when I need to produce results in a tight timeline. Fortunately, if you’ve been around stakeholders enough, you can pretty much predict where conversations are going. In this case, multi-tasking is your friend. As long as you’re nodding your head, you can scroll through emails on your smartphone or pretend you’re taking notes while jotting down your grocery list or the pros and cons of getting a third cat.
Pro tip: Offer phrases such as, “And how does that make you feel?” and “That must have been awful/wonderful” while occasionally looking up from other tasks to maintain the appearance of deep listening.
You’re a grown adult. Do you really need to shift your views at this point?
Sometimes listening too much can make you question your beliefs and values. You’ve spent years developing a certain mindset. Does it make sense to turn that all around? You obviously have good reasons for feeling and believing what you do. I know I’m right about most things at this point in life. I don’t need the existential angst that comes with changing my mind. The best tactic in this scenario is to plan your rebuttal while the other person is talking. Wasting mental energy listening takes time from thinking of the next thing you want to say.
Pro tip: If listening to someone with views that are making you question what you think, retreat to your social media feed and write a post about the ridiculous thing someone just told you. The folks that follow you think JUST like you and can set your mind at ease about how right you are.
You’re welcome! & HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY!
There you have it. Those are my best tips and tricks for not listening this April 1, 2022.
Hey, if you’ve listened to me this far, you might want to check out my legit 6 top tips to listen well!
