How dialogue is different than other forms of communication
Whether exchanging greetings with folks you encounter when buying your morning coffee, talking with a co-worker about splitting up a project or leaving a comment on a social media post, we define all interpersonal interaction as communication. But, in my world as a public engagement professional and facilitator, the type of communication we employ depends on the goals we want to achieve or the needs we want to meet. Conversation falls along a spectrum from uncivil discourse to unproductive squabbling to highly productive dialogue.
If you care about the quality of the conversations you are having, you might want to consider what type of interaction you’re about to step into and whether it will serve the result you’re seeking. As we move along the spectrum towards dialogue, the opportunity for understanding and connection grows.
The communication spectrum and how dialogue is different
The wildly unproductive: Uncivil discourse
If the words you choose aim to hurt, belittle, or enrage the person you are engaging with, your interaction will not serve a productive purpose. These uncivil exchanges fall into the realm of berating, squabbling, arguing, and trolling. We all find ourselves in this space from time to time when strong emotion overtakes rationality. Unless your motivation is pathological (online social media trolls who say outrageous things solely to stir things up), this type of interaction leaves us feeling depleted and upset. Many times, relationships are profoundly damaged as a result.
When standing on my soapbox, I’d suggest that if we could remove uncivil discourse from our interactions with others, the world would be better off.
Debate
The purpose of a debate is to prove your opponent is wrong, and you are right. While it forces us to hone our facts, arguments, and critical thinking skills, debate’s civil yet confrontational format doesn’t allow for nuance or the opportunity to create mutual understanding. A debate in its classical form, is a competition - where someone wins and someone loses.
My own perspective - Debate has got a place in the world. It can bring value and purpose to exploring an issue but whether the facts-and-logic structure of classic debate changes how people think about issues is questionable.
Chatting
Chatting is all about staying above the surface. You’re sharing information, but it has limited purpose beyond pleasantry (“Hasn’t the weather been fantastic lately?”) or functional information (“I’ll get that status report to you by 4 p.m. on Monday.”). Chatting at it’s best—is a social lubricant that can help us make an initial connection before taking us further, for example. It’s often simply a polite exchange with an acquaintance or stranger.
To chat or not to chat? So, while chatting isn’t going to solve a problem, increase understanding, or build a relationship it does open the doorway for something deeper and richer.
Discussion
Engaging in discussion involves many of the same elements as dialogue. We use discussion to tackle more complex issues. The parties are open to hearing each other out, seek to understand the other’s point of view, and might reach an understanding or resolution at the end of the process.
Discussion serves us well in circumstances that are straightforward and that don’t require us to understand every nuance of the situation. Sometimes, the priority is to get the project done or move on with our lives.
Discussion often falls short when the stakes are higher, the topic is complex and the parties reach an impasse. You can recognize this moment when you get that feeling of hitting on something touchy, uncomfortable, or tricky. This is the moment where parties involved often “agree to disagree” or move the exchange to another time or format.
So, does that mean discussion isn’t useful? If that’s what you heard…then let me re-group! Discussion is an incredibly valuable conversational approach. It moves us deeper than chatting and is more robust than debate, as discussion invites understanding and the potential for change. But it’s got it’s got an end point, so you might need something more.
The highly productive: Dialogue
Dialogue is the art of thinking together to find shared meaning. It doesn’t have the goal of coming to an agreement (although that might happen) or winning an argument. Done well, dialogue allows us to understand and appreciate each other’s perspectives enabling us to move towards solving complex problems together. On a personal level, successful dialogue invariably results in deeper relationships and a closer connection.Effective dialogue uses a framework that includes the following principles:
Checking assumptions: We all make assumptions, so it’s essential to be aware of yours before entering a dialogue. If you find yourself rebutting what someone is saying to you in your head while they are saying it, that’s the sign you haven’t checked your assumptions at the door. Aim for a curious mindset.
Intentions: When engaging with someone, be aware of the words you choose and why you are choosing them. Are you using them to move the conversation forward, deliver clarity, or are they intended to lash out emotionally? If it’s the latter, you’ve left the dialogue train.
Balance inquiry with advocacy: Be just as curious about what others have to say as you are eager to share what you have to say. Generally, it’s best to hold off on advocating for your needs and desires until you’ve inquired about the other party’s. Inviting someone to share what they think or have to say will make it more likely they will be open to your thoughts and feelings.
Explore impasses: There is no agreeing to disagree when you’re in dialogue. When you hit tricky issues and differences of opinion, you lean in with the spirit of seeing where it takes you.
Expect emotion: Dialogue isn’t a clinical, disinterested process. Bringing your heart to exchange as things unfold is a natural part of the process.
Paying attention to and abiding by the above principles is a lot to hold at an individual level. In formal dialogue, a facilitator is present to guide the process. Still, in our everyday lives, having these principles in mind when we want to take our discussions further can provide an anchor.
Final thoughts
We have many levels of communication at our disposal for engaging, understanding, and solving issues. Other than uncivil discourse, which is highly unproductive, other conversations along the spectrum, including debate, chatting, discussion, and dialogue, have their purpose. The trick is to figure out what you want to achieve when you engage with others, what your priority is at the time, and the energy you have to dedicate to the conversation.
If dialogue seems like the kind of conversation you need to have at the group, community, or enterprise level, I’d be happy to answer any questions you have about facilitation. Get in touch.
