How Our Dialogue Can Benefit From Silence
The next time you’re engaged in a conversation, try this experiment: stop speaking and remain silent for a bit. How long do you imagine it will take before things feel uncomfortable? Ten seconds? Six seconds? If you’re a North American native English speaker, you’ll be lucky to make it to four seconds before someone will rush in to fill the silence. We jump into silences hoping that our words will increase clarity or improve comfort but often fail.
There are a few theories about why we’re uncomfortable with long pauses and why other cultures fare better. Regardless, I believe that all dialogue could use a bit more silence and that as leaders and facilitators, we should aim to cultivate it.
Being quiet does not mean indifference
In every group process I’ve facilitated, some people talk more than others. Our North American bias tends to value the contributions of those who speak up and overlook those who are not as inclined to share their thoughts as soon as they enter their heads.
We might see those who are silent as uninterested, un-engaged, or unwilling to take part. Although any one of those things might be true, indifference has nothing to do with it more often than not. More likely, someone who is quiet in a group session is thinking and reflecting. They may find the process not working for their learning style, energy level, or the way they would prefer to participate. As a facilitator, it’s my job to figure out the reason and how to involve this group member in a way that suits them.
The benefits of silence (even if impossible to achieve)
Finding a moment or two of true silence in our world is a major feat. Regardless of whether you live in a city or rural setting, between traffic, birds chirping, and the machinery of modern life, it’s rare to experience the complete absence of noise. Sound expert Julian Treasure calls the ever-present ambient patter the hidden choir and demonstrates the phenomenon nicely in his 2011 TED Talk.
Even in the absence of true silence, taking time to be still with one’s thoughts can help us process everything we take into our brains minute to minute. It can also allow the voices of those who process information through silence to be heard. It can help us synthesize our thoughts about complex issues and be more thoughtful in how we choose to share them.
How to cultivate silence when facilitating a group dialogue
It is my responsibility as a facilitator to bring out the best contributor in everyone participating. Sometimes, this is a challenging balancing act! Over time, I’ve adopted some tried and true tactics to promote silence and at the same time foster participation that is comfortable for everyone.
Encourage people to empty their minds
When you’re thinking about what time your yoga practice is tomorrow, how many emails you have in your inbox, or when you’re going to squeeze in a stop at the grocery store, you’re not offering your whole self in a public engagement group.
Consider this description of pause by Ian Chisholm of the Roy Group:
When we pause with intention, we commit to proper rest and restoration. To pause properly is to replenish and recharge our resources. It is an act of appreciating our humanness and a recognition of the balance required to do our very best work.
During a public engagement event, we need to be at our best, and we also need to invite others to be at their best. At the start of a session and often after a break (because everyone’s been checking those emails), I’ll ask participants to take one or two minutes to “empty” their minds. Maybe I’ll take a page from Julian Treasure and get people to listen to the different components of ambient noise around them. This exercise allows everyone to come back to focus on the topic at hand.
Let people think before speaking
In a recent Harvard Business Review article, Why you should make time for self-reflection (even if you hate doing it), the author outlines the common bias towards action. It’s conventional, especially in our western work culture, to value talking, moving, and doing, yet, we all know the downfalls of rash or rushed decisions. Self-reflection is key to informed decision-making, and it’s helpful in groups as well.
After a prolonged discussion in a public engagement session, I provide a brief summary and ask that participants quietly reflect on everything they’ve heard before contributing further. I’ll also acknowledge that reflection takes effort and practice to become comfortable and effective.
Building in a pause at this point can prevent runaway thoughts and comments and increase focus. It also allows those who process information silently to catch up, making them more likely to contribute once you resume.
Avoid making it all about large group discussions
When we recognize that people have different learning and engagement styles, we can offer other ways to contribute to that large group sharing. Ideas include:
Asking people to jot their thoughts down on a sheet of paper that includes some general topic headings or boxes. You can give the more artistically inclined the option to sketch out their ideas if they prefer.
Get people to chat with their neighbours about specific questions in a one-on-one format.
Use props such as signs with words that participants can hold up in response to questions you pose or allow people to write answers on sticky notes to paste on a whiteboard.
Ask for it!
It sounds so simple, yet it’s so rare that we just ask for silence. Here are a few easy ways to do it that you can adapt to your specific style:
We’ve talked about a lot of important issues. I’d like to ask everyone to take five minutes in silence to reflect on what they have heard. Think about what has resonated with you or had meaning for you?
Can we take a moment or two to consider the critical stories and experiences that have been shared so far? Let’s reflect in silence on what we have heard before we move on.
I’m going to ask that we all take a moment of silence to consider where we go from here. When we come back together into the conversation, I will ask those who have not spoken yet (or much) to offer their thoughts first.
It takes practice to be quiet
Being quiet is a learned skill for those of us who tend to think out loud (I’m holding my hand up). Our North American culture and lifestyle are not geared to silence and reflection, so to reap the benefits, it takes practice. I encourage you to give it a whirl and, at a minimum, consider the following exercise.
The next time you are having a conversation, pause for a moment or two to give yourself a chance to reflect on precisely what you want to say. Better still, if you find yourself talking to fill the void even if you’re unsure about your feelings or thoughts, tell the person you're speaking to that you need a minute to compose your response.
Think of what that bit of silence conveys. For me, silence in the conversation indicates that the person taking a pause thinks I’m important enough for them to get their thoughts in order before responding.
“When words make noise, silence can talk.”
― Ernest Agyemang Yeboah
If you have thoughts about silence and how to enhance it in public engagement, I’d love to hear about it. Let’s connect.
