How to have difficult conversations without crying
Crying is a normal response to deep emotion. When we are hurt, frustrated, or angry, it’s common to get teary-eyed and experience that familiar lump in the throat, making it difficult to talk. Crying can convey to others how deeply we feel or that we need extra care, which can be helpful. However, there are times when shedding tears can get in the way of meaningful, productive dialogue with people. In those situations, you can use a few strategies that will allow you to have those difficult conversations without crying.
To be clear, I wholeheartedly believe that bold, meaningful, and impactful conversations are at their best when all parties are genuine, honest and truthful. What I’m about to say isn’t about contriving, spinning, or manipulating a situation. Instead, it’s about raising awareness about the impact our tears can have on others. As a natural crier, I’ve learned this the hard way.
The day I learned that crying is a choice
I often cry in stressful situations, which doesn’t always serve me well in my personal and professional life, but I’ve learned when to allow the tears to flow and when to delay them. I remember the exact moment I realized that I had a choice in the matter.
Several years ago, I was preparing for a fun weekend with extended family at our cabin. My husband Christin was going to join us following a wedding stag with his buddies. Late in the day, Christin called me, and I could tell the moment he spoke that something was very wrong. “You need to sit down,” he said. He told me that he had an accident while riding his ATV and broke his neck. He was calling from an ambulance on the way to the hospital.
Thank goodness I wasn’t alone, and my mom was with me. She helped me pack up our then 6-month-old daughter to make the two-hour drive to the emergency room. I was in shock and virtually silent the whole ride. In the hospital parking lot before we went inside, my mom faced me and put her hands on my shoulders as she looked directly into my eyes. She said, “Listen to me, you are not going to cry when we go inside. There is a terrified man in there who has no idea what his future holds and the last thing he needs is having to comfort you. This isn’t about you and how you’re feeling right now. It’s about him and what he needs.” I recognized the truth in what she said immediately (thanks, mom) and didn’t cry.
Remarkably, Christin made a full recovery. Much later, he told me that he was so grateful that I didn’t cry upon seeing him that day. It was exactly what he needed at that moment. From this extreme situation, I learned that I could hold my emotion when necessary.
Tears are tricky
Showing emotion through tears is neither good nor bad. It depends on the situation, which makes them tricky. When someone starts to cry, our instinct is to comfort them or address their needs in some way. In relationships, this can be a double-edged sword. If one person in the relationship consistently responds to stress, anger, and emotion by crying, it can immediately trump the other person’s expression of emotion. So if this becomes a pattern, it can shut the non-crying person down and then their needs repeatedly don’t get addressed.
On the flip side, in certain situations, expressing emotion through tears can signal to the other party that something is affecting you deeply. It can act as a punctuation mark in a conversation.
If crying has become your go-to response for any kind of emotional exchange, it might not be serving a positive purpose. Figuring that out might be tricky. It depends on your relationship, the situation, and what you’re trying to convey in the moment.
When tears prevent the conversation you need to have?
If you’re heading into a difficult dialogue and tears will not convey what you intend, there are strategies that can help you to hold those tears for a better time.
Know your tear triggers
Take time to reflect on the situations and kinds of conversation that are likely to set off your tears. Without this kind of awareness, you won’t be able to fully prepare for difficult conversations ahead of you.
Is the conversation likely to make you angry and frustrated, hurt, or sad? Get specific about the parts of the anticipated dialogue, or even specific words, that you foresee making you want to cry. Simply identifying these triggers can be helpful. You begin to realize the mechanisms at work--it’s not that you are “overly emotional” or “unpredictable.” Ahead of the conversation, when you’re calm, you are able to look at the situation more objectively.
Prepare Physically
Sometimes we find ourselves in the midst of a difficult conversation that we didn’t anticipate. However, when you know that one is on your horizon, do your best to be in shape for the encounter physically by addressing the following:
Sleep - Make sure you are well-rested. We all know how emotional and, at times, unreasonable toddlers are when they’ve skipped a nap. We seem to forget how sleep regulates our emotions as adults.
Hunger - An empty stomach makes your glucose levels drop and alters your mood. Make sure you’ve had a meal before engaging in challenging dialogue because you’ll want to be calm and thinking clearly.
Space - Often, our location can alter how a conversation plays out. If you need to discuss a sensitive issue with your boss, setting it in a boardroom rather than her office might be less triggering. It is a more neutral setting that doesn’t subconsciously reinforce the power difference between you.
Rehearse or role-play
I once created a giant mess of a training session I was delivering. I blindly walked people into a conversation they were not ready to have, and it ended in widespread angst and hurt. I needed to address the group the following day to acknowledge that I was responsible for how things went and to apologize.
Before heading into that session, I rehearsed what I planned to say multiple times to prepare myself. Role-playing your conversation, either on your own or with a trusted friend, helps. When you hit a point at which you can anticipate the tears, know that’s the part you need to go over multiple times.
Rehearsing the conversation aloud (it needs to be aloud) can help reduce the triggering effect of the words you need to say. It allows you to envision delivering your message without the intense emotion and tears that can derail you.
Name it and take a break
Sometimes, despite taking the time to prepare and rehearse, we end up in tears regardless. Know that all is not lost. When this happens, try naming it. Let the other person or persons know that you intended to hold your tears and that you didn’t mean to turn the focus entirely on you at that moment.
Surprisingly, sometimes the act of identifying what’s going on for you is enough to enable you to refocus and continue. Taking a break is also an option---removing yourself from the immediate area to engage in some positive self-talk or rehearse the problematic words you need to say again.
If all else fails, you can often take a shot at the conversation at another time. Avoid beating yourself up for things not going as you had planned, and treat it as a learning opportunity for rehearsing your next attempt.
Working with others’ tears as a public facilitation professional
As a public engagement and facilitation professional, I’ve often led dialogue sessions that elicit high emotion and strong opinions. For example, I once facilitated a session involving developing strategies to address community healing and reconciliation. I knew there would be participants attending who had lived through racism and trauma and would be sharing their stories.
As a facilitator, I needed to plan the session to make that kind of sharing as easy as possible. But, I’m not a psychologist. For this type of session, I make sure that there are professionals on site who can offer appropriate support. If someone is visibly shaken and crying, I find the best approach is to acknowledge their emotion by saying, “It looks like you’re experiencing (name the emotion)” followed by, “How can I best support you right now?” Sometimes taking an extra break in the session to allow everyone to regroup can be effective.
Difficult conversations are worth it!
As demanding and emotionally wrenching as they can be, difficult conversations are a part of being human. They are necessary for robust interpersonal and professional relationships. Even when they don’t go perfectly, hard discussions are an opportunity to right wrongs, figure things out, and forge ahead with new understanding. They get easier with practice.