5 holiday conversation starters that don’t involve COVID
Many of us have been walled off from in-person social interaction for well over a year due to the pandemic. As it’s become safer to gather in small groups, family, friends, and co-workers face a new challenge this holiday season—how to engage with each other. Seriously! We’re out of practice.
During my recent quarterly stint at the hair salon, I was inspired by a poster I spotted taped to the mirror. It read:
At Boulevard Salon, we practice kindness. We prefer no more conversations about COVID or anything related to it. Please respect everyone’s mental health during these times.
We have zero-tolerance in place for any negativity as we want everyone to relax and enjoy themselves. This is not only in place for you but us as well. Please feel free to laugh a little more, support one another and be kind. We are all in this together.
The message really got to me—we’ve all been thinking about this, haven’t we? It’s time to take a mental health break from the pandemic for the sake of our well-being. So, how do we put the above message into action? How do we set the kind of boundary conveyed in the poster in our social lives and find other things to talk about?
Meaningful conversations that leave us feeling connected with others go beyond small talk. If it’s been some time since you’ve last talked to someone in your social circle, you might find it awkward and difficult to find a place to start. I’m confident we’ll all get back into the social groove before long, but if you need a kick-start, here are five sets of conversation starters to try.
1 - Nice to meet you (the virtual stranger)
Tell me about the last book you read/podcast you listened to/movie you watched.
What’s the wildest thing you have on your bucket list? (This is my new fav question because I’ve had some super interesting responses)
What’s your favourite thing to do on the weekend? (This one flips the go-to “What do you do for a living?” question on its head)
When to use: You’ve just met the person, or you’ve spent very little time with them. You are unsure where to start, but you’d love to talk about something interesting.
Why it works: They are relatively safe and non-controversial. You are also demonstrating interest in the other person, and let’s be honest, most people love to talk about what they know or have experienced.
2 - I’ve been wondering (the acquaintance)
Are you a karaoke fan? Follow-ups: Yeah? What’s your go-to karaoke song? No? What would you rather do for a night out?
How long have you lived in (city)? Follow-ups: Where have you lived before? Could you imagine living somewhere else?
I don’t know very much about your family or people you spend lots of time with. I’d love to hear more about them.
When to use it: You have at least a surface-level relationship. You’ve spent some time together, and you are interested in learning something new or not repeating conversations you’ve had before.
Why it works: Similar to the first set of questions, here you aren’t asking for someone’s perspective or opinion but about a lived experience or things they have done. This is a great opportunity to explore commonalities and expand the conversation through further questions.
3 - I’d love to know (taking it to the next level)
What’s one thing you hope(d) your parents would never find out about?
What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
If you could ban one word from the public vocabulary, what would it be?
When to use it: You’ve known the person quite a while; maybe it’s a colleague or someone part of your broader social network.
Why it works: These starters are still in the realm of non-confrontational and low-risk but go a little deeper into the person’s life, thoughts, and opinions.
4 - Let’s turn this around (crash-and-burn dinner conversation - you need a rescue!)
Seems like this isn’t the best time to have this conversation. I’ve got something else for us to talk about! What is one thing for which you are incredibly grateful?
It’s feeling like we need a new topic. I’ve got one! Would you rather be stranded on an island alone or with someone you hate?
When to use it: The conversation has gotten heated or controversial, and people are uncomfortable. You know it— the awkward silence, the dashing to clear the table or the growing stand-off between friends or family members. You need a conversation rescue!
Why it works: You’ve named and tamed the uncomfortable topic and at least opened the door to find a more comfortable one. These starters can provide the jolt folks need to realize the conversation is going nowhere good.
5 - Let’s hear from everyone (the classic “go around the table.”)
If you could have any superpower, what would it be (or, what would you avoid)?
What’s one of your favourite memories from childhood, college years, prison term? (OK, you might not actually ask that last one, but I was seeing if you were still paying attention) :)
When you reflect on life’s “big surprises,” what are your top two or three?
When to use it: You are in a group of people who presumably know each other but, in reality, have a weak relationship. Maybe it’s an extended family group that gets stuck talking about the same thing over and over, or the same people dominate the same conversation. You are ready for a change!
Why it works: Each response will likely be different, making it interesting to hear from everyone. These starters are also likely to spark more discussion because you are learning something new about a person or topic.
What to do if they don’t bite? (Setting boundaries)
Just because you’ve introduced a great topic or asked a brilliant question doesn’t mean others will immediately pick up on it. You might be stuck in an established pattern that involves talking about the pandemic (or other well-worn topics), and now you need something different. That’s when you need to practice setting some conversation boundaries.
Using the following boundary-setting options can be incredibly powerful but are easily forgotten and commonly overlooked.
Option #1 - Simple Conversation Boundaries
These are guidelines, requirements and descriptions of “things we need” to be at our best when participating in the discussion. Examples of simple conversation boundaries include statements such as:
“I meet best in the morning – as it’s when I have the most clarity.”
“I have 90 minutes to participate in this conversation before I need to give my full attention elsewhere.”
“I need us both to turn off our phones until we are done so that I can concentrate.”
Option # 2 - Complex Conversation Boundaries
Setting these boundaries might be much more involved and personal. Examples of complex boundary-setting could involve statements such as:
“I have nothing else to say, and now I need to step away.”
“This is a tough thing for me to talk about; let’s leave it for now.”
“I can’t contribute to this discussion in a positive way, and I think we need to move onto something different.”
Regardless of whether you need a simple or complex conversation boundary, here are a few suggestions for how to go about setting it:
Know what you need - Take a few minutes to think about what you need and why you need it. Prepare to share what you are willing to and recognize when you need to stop.
Be considerate when you ask - Take three more minutes to think about your tone, facial expression and use of eye contact. The words we use make up less than ten percent of what we communicate. Make every effort to communicate your good intentions regarding the boundary you set.
Stand firm - know that this boundary serves you and others well. Walk away (respectfully) if you need to.
It’s also wise to think about how you would respond to others setting boundaries. Respecting and honouring limits is easy when you and the other party agree on them. What happens when the boundaries are different from yours? If that happens, it’s time to examine your intentions and consider the bigger picture. How valuable is this relationship to both of you? What will be the impact of abiding by this boundary? What would you want in the reverse situation? The answers to these questions can guide your decision.
Final thoughts
For valid reasons, one topic has dominated our thoughts and conversations for the past year and a half—COVID and its impact on our lives. We aren’t going to stop communicating about the pandemic entirely until we’ve kicked this blasted virus to the curb. But taking a break and turning to conversations that connect us and build our relationships is necessary for our mental health and long-term well-being. By setting boundaries and having a few conversation starters in our back pockets, we can make this holiday season a little brighter and more meaningful.
I’d love to hear your suggestions for other great conversation starters! Get in touch.
