Tackling Thanksgiving conversations about Covid
As much as we hoped it might be different this year, COVID-19 remains an unwanted Thanksgiving guest yet again. Gathering with loved ones last Thanksgiving was, for the most part, off the table thanks to widespread lockdowns. This year, thanks to vaccinations and declining case counts, we have more options.
Ironically, the loosened health restrictions potentially make this holiday season more difficult to navigate because they’ve allowed people to live according to their own risk tolerance. Some individuals are okay with big crowds and others not. Some people have been vaccinated and others have yet to get the shot or reject the idea. Family gatherings can be fraught with difficult conversations at the best of times. This is not the best of times. If you’re at a loss about how to negotiate party guestlists during this increasingly divisive pandemic, I’ve got some ideas for you.
Consider this Thanksgiving scenario
Everyone in your family is looking forward to gathering for Thanksgiving Day dinner at grandma’s house. Plans are underway for who is bringing what dishes when you spot your uncle’s social media post railing against vaccines and mandatory indoor face masks. You and your family are double-vaxxed and have followed all health orders throughout several waves of the virus. Seeing the social media post, your stomach begins to knot and suddenly there’s a potential landmine on your road to planning the perfect Thanksgiving dinner party.
What can you do?
Before you react, reflect
“Life moves in the direction of the conversations we’re having—the ones we’re having with ourselves and the ones with others.”
I come back to this quote from my life coach often because it reflects my experience of how important conversations (either in my head or out loud with others) impact everything from relationships to decisions to project outcomes.
Reacting to your uncle by either lashing out about his opposing views to yours or by telling him he is no longer welcome to the dinner is tempting but could very well have long-lasting negative consequences. Families have experienced irreparable fractures over smaller issues.
Taking time to reflect more deeply on the thoughts and emotions behind your gut reaction can help you respond more rationally and thoughtfully, offering the best chance of resolving the matter positively.
There are likely a couple of emotions at play for you regarding the situation with your uncle:
Fear: Worry about you or other family members contracting the virus from your uncle at the dinner.
Anger: You resent that you and your family have diligently followed health regulations and made sacrifices to keep the broader community safe, and your uncle has not. It’s a values clash (the collective good vs. individual freedoms).
You might discover upon reflection that what you thought was your main objection is actually secondary. For example, the anger about following the rules might be more central to you than the fear of contracting the virus because you and others in your family are vaccinated. Knowing this could influence how you approach your uncle and the solutions you find together.
Many of us have fallen into a kind of groupthink regarding the pandemic. We’ve grouped ourselves as good and others as bad depending on our response to the coronavirus. We identify so strongly with our group that we have stopped critically evaluating the decisions and positions of others.
Your uncle is about more than this one issue. There are likely memories and personality traits that you recall fondly. It can be helpful to view your uncle in the context of all that he is as you reflect on how to approach the dinner. Doing so might also help you understand how your uncle came to hold the views he does about vaccination and face masks.
Plan your Covid conversation approach
This tricky family situation calls for pulling out all the communication skills we rely on to navigate difficult conversations.
After you’ve sorted through your emotions, you’ve hopefully arrived at a more objective place concerning your uncle. You need more information about uncle’s position beyond his social media post, and you’ll need to approach him in good faith to open up the dialogue.
In a private message, invite your uncle to have a respectful conversation with you about the upcoming Thanksgiving dinner, sharing that you have concerns you’d like to resolve regarding current health protocols and his decision about vaccination and masking. Requesting the conversation rather than diving right into it will allow your uncle to do some reflecting of his own and make it less likely that he will react defensively (although not necessarily).
If possible, have the conversation with your uncle by phone or video call rather than through text messaging or an email thread. It’s best to communicate with our words, body language, and facial expressions for difficult conversations.
Before outlining all of your concerns, encourage your uncle to share his thoughts about the health protocols and how that might impact Thanksgiving dinner. Because you are part of the dominant group in your family (following protocols and are vaccinated), inviting your uncle to speak first communicates respect and a willingness to listen, putting him in a more receptive state to, in turn, listen to your concerns.
Use active listening to reflect what you hear your uncle say to ensure you have it right and to assure him you’ve understood his message. Respond to the emotions behind his statements. In other words, express empathy. Remember that empathy is not agreement; it’s understanding where a person is coming from. For example, you might say something like, “I know you’ve always been very self-reliant and don’t like being told what to do. I understand that from your perspective, the push to get everyone getting vaccinated feels heavy-handed.”
When it’s your turn to share your concerns, make every effort to avoid blaming and shaming by using I-statements. For example, you might say something like, “Everyone in our family has worked really hard at following the health protocols, and it’s been difficult on all of us. We want to gather with family, but the thought of letting our guard down now feels scary. It will be like all of our efforts have been for nothing.”
After you have both expressed your thoughts and concerns, look for common ground. Perhaps you both believe family is important and feel the past several months of the pandemic have been brutal for everyone. Maybe you can agree that everyone in the family wants to avoid a family feud and estrangement. Finding common ground, no matter how minor, sets you up for problem-solving.
Discuss potential solutions together
You don’t need to come to an agreement about a divisive issue to find a workable solution. Your aim right now is not to change your uncle’s mind; it’s to find a way forward.
Review the elements of common ground with your uncle before looking for solutions. Perhaps you point out that everyone involved wants to enjoy Thanksgiving with family, that you value the relationship with your uncle and that the pandemic has been hard on everyone regardless of the reasons. Emphasize that you want to find a way forward that works for everyone.
Invite your uncle to offer potential solutions before jumping in with yours and genuinely entertain all ideas you come up with together. Possible solutions could include everything from reducing transmission risk by hosting the family event outdoors around a campfire to your uncle having a Covid test before the gathering. Everything’s on the table. Evaluate the solutions together (which might involve taking them back to other family members) and see if there is a workable resolution.
If it becomes unworkable, all is not lost
Depending on the personalities involved, your family dynamics, and how divisive the pandemic has become in some family members’ minds, your attempt to come to a workable compromise might fail. You might lose this relationship with your uncle, but hopefully, it’s temporary. The pandemic will eventually subside, people sometimes change their minds, and some things that were once critically important take a backseat to other events and milestones in life.
By tackling the conversation respectfully and honestly, you’ve left the door open for the future, which is a much better position than if you had ostracized or shunned your uncle at the moment you saw his social media post.
Have you faced a difficult Thanksgiving conversation?
I’m eager to hear how you handled it and whether you have any strategies to add to mine.